god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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