Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
