she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
