Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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