we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
