This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
