Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
