I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
