Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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