i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
