somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
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