if you like me you must not know who I am
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
