just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
