According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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