Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
