i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
