I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to stop coming to work sober
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
