I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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