I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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