Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I supernannyed him into submission
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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