went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
