you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
