Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just threw up on my dentist
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
