Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
