so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
only you would photoshop your dick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
