We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
