I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can text with my tongue
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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