Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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