How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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