So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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