Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize