why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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