ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
