that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
