his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
