There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We smell like vodka and hangover
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