don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
