I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
