I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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