Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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