Don't you send me to vm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
