Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the condom got lost in my hair
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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