I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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