i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
