he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
