At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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