we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
