Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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