I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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