Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
